So so far it looks like two of my good friends are getting married next year. While it looks like I'm probably in the wedding party for both, I don't foresee myself doing much planning for Kirstin's. She's a real take-charge kind of gal who knows the sort of things she likes and so far still seems really enthusiastic about planning stuff. She's the sort of bride you go along with when she does things to give added input, carry things, and keep her company. She would resent bridesmaids who planned everything for her. If I were to start doing more to help plan her wedding, it would only be because she asked me to for whatever reason (stress, time constraints, etc.). I wouldn't even be surprised or offended if I just wind up attending the wedding as a guest, because Kirstin has a large network of friends and she seems pretty close to many of them, and furthermore she's known most of them for much longer than she's known me. If I am one of bridesmaids I will be honored and pleased to stand up with her as she and Mel exchange their vows. I love those two like crazy! They deserve mucho happiness together.
Tia, on the other hand, is quite set on having me as matron of honor, and that's pretty cool. I've only been in two other weddings, and my role in both was...um...sort of non-traditional? They were pagan handfastings and I was anchoring for the West in both. Not really wedding party. More like a functionary. So this is new territory for me. Sort of. I've almost been maid of honor/bridesmaid/wedding planner for a couple weddings, but they never went anywhere because the couple wound up either not getting married or not having a ceremony, so that's okay. In one case I at least got to be the official witness when they got officiated at City Hall, so you know, that's something.
Anyway, Tia's less decisive than Kirstin. In the same amount of time being engaged, Kirstin's definitely gotten more done. Now, to be fair, Kirstin's family is being less intrusive on the details of the wedding, she has more support (well, sort of), and she's older and more used to making these sort of decisions (by that I mean life-altering, difficult, kind-of-overwhelming decisions). Also her wedding's four months earlier than Tia's, so she has less time in which to get shit done. Kirstin by nature is simply more of a "once I've decided to make this choice, it's made" kind of person, whereas Tia, like me, often gets inundated by the possibilities and needs help wading through it all to make something cohesive. My general advice to Tia so far has been along the lines of "Here are the things I did that worked, and here's what you don't do because when I did it it was STUPID."
My first piece of advice when they both inevitably related the troubles brides always have when dealing with family was to pick one thing they could give in on, and then stand solid on everything else. Many people have differing opinions on the amount of input family gets on wedding planning. Some say that the amount of input they should have should be proportional to the percentage of the bill they're willing to foot. My problem with this approach is that if you have supportive, well-meaning family members who are willing to cover the whole damn thing but have wildly differing visions of what your wedding should be from what you and your fiancée want, then you're screwed, stuck with a wedding you'll dread before and then not remember fondly after. The opposite of this approach is the "fuck 'em, it's MY wedding" view in which the family gets NO say, regardless of how much they contribute financially. Let's think on this for a moment. Why are you having a wedding if you don't want the people you care about to come celebrate your commitment to life-long love? If you don't care about anyone else's feelings at all, then don't have a wedding. Have it officiated at town hall or whatever and then spend whatever you manage to save up on a honeymoon far away from everyone you know. Most people I know have families that can contribute some but not all, leaving a good portion up to the engaged couple to cover themselves. So in the interest of familial love and well-meaning compromise, listen to the things your close dear ones (mother, father, grandma, whatever) have to say about the wedding, and then pick one thing they stress as supremely important to do their way, and stand firm on everything else you want that they don't agree with. I'd say one thing from each fiancée's family. It may not even be something you consider to be that big of a deal. It may be something that IS kind of is a big deal, but the benefits of doing it their way outweigh the desire to have your own way.
In my case, my mum wanted a proper cake. She sort of wanted other things, too, but she was big on the cake issue. "The cake is the centerpiece of the entire reception, and a big symbol in terms of the wedding in general" she argued. I didn't really give a toss about cake. I was like "cake, cupcakes, flapjacks, who cares?" But Mum really wanted that three-tiered, classic cake. Didn't care about the decoration as long as it wasn't stupid or tacky, and she'd pay whatever stupid price as long as it was quality baked goods. She seriously spent over $300 on that cake, and we had leftover wedding cake sitting in our fridge for like, a month. I had people over just so I could make them eat cake. Screw "let them eat cake"; I was going to force it down their damn throats. I just wanted it gone. It was good cake, don't get me wrong, but out of the 150+ people we invited, maybe 80 showed up altogether, and not all of them stayed for the reception (or ate cake). I don't think we really even had to make concessions for my husband's family, because for the most part while they may discuss each other's business and how it affects individuals or the family as a whole, for the most part they don't really seem to be the "I have the right to tell you how to live or what decisions to make" sort of people. I think maybe there were a few suggestions about what specific family members would want at the reception, and that may have been it. Certainly my husband didn't relay any giant, earth-shattering demands to me, so I assumed (and still do) that they were cool with whatever we decided to do.
Tia's concession is a biggie. Tia was raised Catholic, baptized and confirmed in the church, and her family wants a Catholic wedding. To compound this, apparently you have to have a Catholic wedding to continue to be considered Catholic. Both of you don't have to be confirmed Catholic; just as long as someone who is who wants stay Catholic has a proper service, it's all good. Some churches have their own additional restrictions, like being a regular member of that specific congregation for so long or going to marriage classes or what-have-you, but the important thing here is that it happens inside a Catholic church and all the rituals are observed, all officiated by a priest. I didn't know any of this until a few hours ago, but I did understand that it is a big deal to her family. David is not Catholic, or currently an active member of any specific religion. He's willing to look into Catholicism and convert if it suits him, but Tia's not in an particular hurry to see it happen, and would be okay if he chose something else. There have been many times where Tia herself has considered giving up the religion in which she was raised, but has yet to come to that point. There are many things she disagrees with Church about, and many things she still loves about her childhood faith. It seemed like the best compromise for her to give up on her dream of an outdoor wedding in order to make her family happy and keep her ties to a spiritual path she is yet unwilling to turn her back on. If they later decide to raise their future children as Catholic, she knows it's important not to close that door now. Tia feels like the reception, being the actual celebration part, is more ultimately more important, anyway.
We have three Catholic churches in Columbia. One of them has been rejected already for being unpalatable setting-wise. The second is lovely but a bit small and she doesn't know the resident clergy or congregation, so she has to check out their services and ask about their wedding restrictions. The third is the one she attended as a child, but she dislikes two of the priests currently serving there, and isn't sure if there's anyone else. Another option, of course, is to either check out some of the small town churches in the area or have it at the church she knows she loves back in Hannibal, which is two hours away. She'd much rather hold it here, of course, and we're both hoping either Sacred Heart or Lady of Lourdes works out. I'm hoping for Sacred Heart because I think it's prettier, personally. I reallllllllllly don't want to go to Hannibal.
EDIT: Just looked up the guidelines for holding the wedding ceremony at both and this decision is going to be HARD. Lourdes is more accessible; it has on-site parking, she's already technically a parish member, and they allow visiting pastors to officiate as long as you arrange it with the presiding clergy. Wedding guests would likely have to park on the street or in the nearby parking garage for Sacred Heart, and if she wants to avoid the $750 fee they charge for non-parish members, then she has to be an active member of their church for six months before she can even arrange to get married there. Even if Lourdes decides she's not an active member, their fee is only $200. However, Lourdes' list of restrictions is huge. No flower girls because they won't allow even fake petals dropped on the floor. They only do weddings on Saturdays at either 2pm or 7pm; anything else has to be wrangled over. No pre-recorded music of any kind. It goes on and on. Oi.
So far the only things we've nailed down is it has to be Catholic, and the main color is blue. She loves orchids, hyacinth, and hydrangea. She's currently enamored with the idea of the girls holding fans instead of bouquets, but I'm not sure how set on that she may be. She wants a wedding shower that's all-inclusive in regards to gender and family, but wants a girls-only bachelorette party. She likes filigree patterns but also Asian-inspired motifs. She's not sure on much anything at the moment. Personally, while I feel like the Asian thing works on some levels because David spent so much time over there while in the Navy and speaks Japanese, I think most people here in America associate the cherry blossom prints and such like with a more laid-back, zen vibe. Damion and I had that sort of motif for our wedding because we wanted a more informal, quieter, simplistic sort of wedding and reception. The vast majority of people invited didn't drink, so there was very little partying. There was some light dancing and a lot of people just wandering around to talk quietly with others. Some people meandered outside to enjoy the park. I myself wound up swinging with a few of my friends at the nearby play area for a bit. It was a very "go with the flow, get into nature" sort of thing. I wore green and Damion wore blue jeans.
Tia wants the reception to be party-heavy. People drinking, dancing it up, making a real celebration of the thing. I think the vibrant blue she picked could be complimented with touches of gold and white for a touch of classic style that's still bold enough to make great party colors. Her favorite orchids are the creamy white ones with golden centers, and I'd love to pair them with blue hyacinth and/or hydrangea and make that the wedding palette. I'm thinking I might pull a few ideas together and present her with a basic coordinated theme and let her decide if she likes it. Dithering over disparate details (you like my alliteration?) and trying to make them fit together will just bog her down. She should be worrying over big stuff like making the church thing work and how shit's going to get paid for. All the little details I think she could wind up just approving or disapproving as they're presented to her so she doesn't have to get swamped with decision-making. It's much easier to simply say yes or no to something than have to come up with ideas in the first place. Kind of wishing I'd had someone to do that for me when I got married...
