I ignored this blog for the entirety of 2012. Why? 2012 was a big year for me. A lot of changes spun my life into a new direction. My old life ended in a lot of ways, so I started new one. On the outside, it doesn't look SO different; I still have my rockstar daughter, I still live in the same town and have the same friends, same favorite restaurants and late-night haunts, still wear the same scratched-up glasses and grade-school hair cut.
But for the first time in my life, I feel like an adult.
Its weird how long I felt like a child. I was married, had a child of my own, suffered through miscarriages and car repairs and bills, etc. I had the all the things that said, "Hey, look, she's a grown-up, sho'nuff." But I always felt like a liar; I was sure if anyone scrutinized me too closely they'd see what a bumbling adolescent I really was. At the back of my mind was always the worry that life would call my bluff and my clumsily-erected house of cards would slither into a formless heap. Then one day last year, that's exactly what happened, and I had to learn how to be a grown-up on my own. It was terrifying, and lonely, and the things I learned about the human mind's ability to deceive itself were pretty interesting and sometimes soul-shattering. But I also learned that every time I let go of a part of the fear that had been holding me back for years, the rewards were incredible, and so slowly I started building a new life. MY life. One dictated by what I thought was right, what I knew to be true.
I can't describe to you a perfect moment that encapsulates some profound realization when I realized that I finally felt like I had the power to take the reigns and direct where I was going in life. It's a culmination of little changes made here and there, of decisions made that sometimes may not have been of any large consequence, of nights spent crying myself to sleep only to wake up the next morning and thinking, to hell with this, I'm tired of being sad. What else can I do? I learned to accept support from others when it came with no expectation of repayment, to change the locks on my house by myself when no one else could help me, to trust myself and the decisions I make, even when I'm still deeply afraid that I'm wrong and it will all blow up in my face again. The thing that helps me most with that fear is reminding myself, sometimes on a daily basis, that the last time my life choices blew up in my face, I had felt powerless and constrained in the choices I allowed to be made for me. I had been dealt cards and let other people pull from my hand.
This time, I feel free to make the choices and play the game myself, instead of hiding behind paper houses.
But for the first time in my life, I feel like an adult.
Its weird how long I felt like a child. I was married, had a child of my own, suffered through miscarriages and car repairs and bills, etc. I had the all the things that said, "Hey, look, she's a grown-up, sho'nuff." But I always felt like a liar; I was sure if anyone scrutinized me too closely they'd see what a bumbling adolescent I really was. At the back of my mind was always the worry that life would call my bluff and my clumsily-erected house of cards would slither into a formless heap. Then one day last year, that's exactly what happened, and I had to learn how to be a grown-up on my own. It was terrifying, and lonely, and the things I learned about the human mind's ability to deceive itself were pretty interesting and sometimes soul-shattering. But I also learned that every time I let go of a part of the fear that had been holding me back for years, the rewards were incredible, and so slowly I started building a new life. MY life. One dictated by what I thought was right, what I knew to be true.
I can't describe to you a perfect moment that encapsulates some profound realization when I realized that I finally felt like I had the power to take the reigns and direct where I was going in life. It's a culmination of little changes made here and there, of decisions made that sometimes may not have been of any large consequence, of nights spent crying myself to sleep only to wake up the next morning and thinking, to hell with this, I'm tired of being sad. What else can I do? I learned to accept support from others when it came with no expectation of repayment, to change the locks on my house by myself when no one else could help me, to trust myself and the decisions I make, even when I'm still deeply afraid that I'm wrong and it will all blow up in my face again. The thing that helps me most with that fear is reminding myself, sometimes on a daily basis, that the last time my life choices blew up in my face, I had felt powerless and constrained in the choices I allowed to be made for me. I had been dealt cards and let other people pull from my hand.
This time, I feel free to make the choices and play the game myself, instead of hiding behind paper houses.
